No Life Without You
by wheresilent
Summary: On the heels of their escape from Kirkwall, Hawke and her companions travel throughout Thedas seeking refugee and hopefully a way to put an end to the war. Meanwhile, Anders's urge to free the mages threatens what he and Hawke have built over the years.
1. Chapter 1

_**Synopsis: On the heels of their escape from Kirkwall, Alysia Hawke and her companions travel throughout Thedas seeking refuge and hopefully a way to put an end to the war. Meanwhile, the balance between Anders and Justice proves to be on the edge of collapsing and the urge to free the mages threatens what he and Alysia have built over the past years. Anders sees himself forced to choose between the woman he loves or his and Justice's need of vengeance against the Templar Order who has been crushing the mages for far too long...**_

_**Bioware owns everything! If it was me things would be different! :)**_

_**A big thanks to my beta Kira Tamarion for editing this chapter and give me some wonderful ideas and tips, seriously you're a wonderful beta! :D**_

Chapter 1

Anders couldn't believe he was still breathing, but the frantic beating of his heart reassured him that he really was alive. He carefully watched Alysia quickly packing up her things while at the same trying to make a long story short to at a stunned and staring Bodahn and Orana.

"We heard a loud explosion but we never thought…" Almost involuntarily, Bodahn's gaze strayed towards Anders, who had been staring down at the floor, Bodahn mistook Anders' expression for one of repentance; the truth was that he wasn't sorry for blowing up the Chantry, he was only sorry that his actions had hurt his friends. A part of him understood that he should be punished - maybe it was the small amount of humanity left to him. The rest having been consumed by Justice's hunger for revenge – but the rest of him couldn't understand why. Why did he have to be punished? Punished for what; for freeing the mages? Or for finally having the courage to do what nobody else dared to, to show the world the injustices that mages suffer every day?

It's in times like these when Anders realizes he and Justice can never be separated; they were too entangled, his craving for vengeance corrupting his idea of Justice.

Then there was the only person in the world who could still stir what was left of his human side.

Alysia Hawke.

But he hurt her. The pain reflected in her face, and the unmistakable anguish in her big blue eyes, would haunt his dreams and beyond. The trace of every tear on her face when she tried to speak to him, only to found out she couldn't because there no words to describe the depths of her pain, all would be vividly and permanently burned in his mind.

She had trusted him, gave him everything she could, she gave him _herself_.

Bodahn continued to try to make some sense of the situation, following Alysia whatever she went and nervously gesturing with his hands. "But serah Hawke, where are you going? What is going to happen?" The distress in his tone was clear.

Alysia took a breath. "I don't know. Far. Somewhere far from Kirkwall." Her tone was flat and cold, almost voided of emotion.

Anders shuddered hearing her speak. She might as well have just killed him, instead of making him watch her suffering.

Orana was petrified, desperately darting her eyes to each one of them; almost on the verge of crying. Alysia had always taken good care of her; she didn't want to go back being a slave and ending up being treated as an object of some Tevinter magister.

A knock on the door interrupted their thought and Alysia breathlessly turned towards it. Her fingers automatically knotted on her dagger's hilts. She waved over to Bodahn, Sandal and Orana to be quiet and gestured Anders to follow her.

He nodded and they quickly made make their way to the door. Ander's fingers already curled aroun his staff.

Fortunately, for everyone's sake, a familiar voice shouted through the door.

"Sister, let me in!" Alysia sighed in relief when she heard Bethany's voice.

As she entered the Estate she cast a hateful look towards Anders. "What're you doing in here?" she snarled.

Before he had time to answer, Alysia hurried to ease her sister's rage, holding up a hand. "Calm down, Beth. He's no harm to us." Her voice was surprisingly soothing given her previously tone.

"Are you planning on blowing up our home too?" her tone was bitter and she completely ignored her sister's plea.

"What? No! I could never hurt Alysia!" The horror in his voice was unmistakable.

"You just did, Anders. You just did." Bethany shoved them both aside and made her way towards the living room.

Alysia cast a glance towards Anders and then followed her sister. He sighed, and numbly did the same.

"I spoke with Cullen." Beth plainly stated, her eyes exploring the Estate; she had never seen it since she went to the Circle.

"What? Why would you do that?" Alysia's eyes widened.

"Relax, Sis. He's buying us some time." Her eyes still taking in the walls and the numerous statues and relics Alysia kept from her missions; her big eyes sparkling in astonishment.

"Why in the Maker's name would he do that?" Anders couldn't hold back from asking the obvious question. Alysia was curious too but remained silent, studying her sister.

"I...Because..." suddenly she sounded awkward. Then, "It doesn't matter. In fact, you should all be thankful." She cast another meaningful look at Anders. She obviously wasn't doing this for him, but for her sister.

"We need to leave this place. Now. I'm going to my room to pick up some things and then we'll leave." Alysia dashed upstairs to her room.

Bodahn nervously walked towards Bethany and squeezed her hand. "What will happen to us?"

She warmly smiled at him; when her lips curled up like that, it revealed the sweet and innocent girl she once was. "I'm sure my sister has a plan for you. Don't worry." She also smiled at Orana, who was shaking with fear in the corner.

"Enchantment!" Sandal began to dance and clamp his hands.

Anders rolled his eyes and made his way upstairs. He had no choice but to face Alysia. He felt her sister's gaze on his back but completely ignored her. As he arrived at the top of the stairs he heard a sob coming from their room. The door was half closed and Alysia was crouched, holding something on her hand.

He painfully swallowed and quietly headed to the door. His ears were filled with the sound of sobs coming from Ally. His stomach began to twist in knots; she looked so vulnerable. He wanted to hold her in his arms and whisper in her ear that everything would be all right. There were so much unsaid...

"Alysia ..." he gently placed a hand on her shoulder. She shuddered at his touch and then turned to face him. Her eyes were sad, there were tears streaming down the soft skin of her cheeks and the tip of her nose was red. He instantly looked down to her hands and realized she was tightly holding a pendant he gave her on her last birthday. It was a beautiful elven leaf necklace set with tiny shinning crystals. He looked back again to her, theirs eyes met.

"Love, please. Don't cry." He said in a heart-broken voice, guilt curling up in his stomach like a serpent.

"I can't." Her voice was raw. She tossed the pendant onto the bed and then roughly freed herself from his touch, moving away from him.

"Please, my love. Let me explain. Let me make things right between us." The torture in his eyes was clear; his voice hesitant like he was struggling with every word.

"Anders." she softly breathed, tilting her head to the side. "You can't make things right. This can't be healed by magic." Alysia stared at him, and slowly shook her head in obvious pain. She made her way to the wardrobe and grabbed two coin purses , trying to ignore his presence, her sobs were torturing him.

The more she cried, the harder it became for him to express his guilt. He was staring agonizingly at her, unable to bear the sight of her torment.

He couldn't accept that.

As if something in him snapped, he grabbed her by the shoulders and backed her against the wall. "What're you doing?" she scolded, her eyes widening. She flailed at his touch, but he held her tightly against the wall, pinning her arms above her head.

"Calm down." he muttered. Their faces mere inches apart, their lips so close. His body warm, hard and pressed against hers. She turned her head to the side, avoiding his gaze. She was frustrated that Anders still managed to stir her arousal in times like these.

When she finally relaxed, he released her arms and placed both of his hands on the wall on either side of her head.

"I love you desperately, Ally. I can't live without you. If you're going to hate me for the rest of your life, then... You might as well just kill me."

Every muscle of her body was trembling. They were so damned close to each other she couldn't even think straight or stand on her knees.

She finally turned her head to look at him. "I could never kill you, Anders. And I don't hate you. But... how am I suppose to trust you again?" a lonely tear ran down her cheeks to die on her chin, leaving a wet, burning trail behind it. "You lied to me." she struggled to hold back more tears; lamenting the pain he was putting her through.

"I know, love. And I know that nothing could change that. But please, give me a chance. Give me a chance to prove to you that I love you and that..." He couldn't finish, he was making a tremendous effort to be eloquent but the words were trapped in his throat. He hesitantly caressed her cheek; to his surprise she didn't protest.

A soft moan was trapped in her throat. Maker, why did he have to be so gloriously handsome and tempting! Even after everything he did, she couldn't stop her burning lust for him. She was growing impatient as he continued to brush with his palm her cheeks. The fact that they were in the same room was nearly enough to make them mad with desire, but their bodies beings so close was unbearable.

He leaned his forehead against hers and whispered. "Please, Ally. Don't take from me the only thing that I care about in this world. Please." he hoarsely pleaded, the fear that she might reject him clearly visible through his honey colored eyes.

"I don't want to lose you, either." she whispered; her sapphire eyes held by his. Anders was struggling too with the urgency for his needs, blood racing trough his veins, his heart pounding in his chest and a painful throb in his groin.

"But you know very well that you're magic can't heal the pain that you've caused so don't try to –"

He pressed his fingers over her mouth to silence her. He didn't know how he could be aroused in a moment like that but she was so... ethereal, so dazzling.

He reached for the nape of neck and gently pulled her head back, revealing her elegant throat. She squeezed her eyes shut; her body couldn't help but to respond the craving for him. He leaned down and gently nibbled her neck. She softly moaned, and for the time being she forgot the recent events; she was giving herself to the pleasure of his skilled, warm, wet tongue.

He continued to masterfully lick and kiss the length of her neck, her throat rumbled with every moaned that escaped. His ears filled with her soft gasps and moans.

He moved his mouth to her cheekbone, "I love you, Ally," he whispered, his voice hoarse. Then, he lovingly took her mouth with his. She moaned slightly and encircled her hands around the nape of his neck. He slid his tongue inside her mouth, worshiping hers, gliding under it and divinely exploring and drinking from her. She involuntarily swiveled her hips feeling the heat coming from his erection.

And there they were; completely absorbed in each other, drinking from their scents. A wave of serenity and calmness stretched in the air as they explored each other's body and gave into the carnal and primal lust that stirred inside them.

Her exquisite beauty, the elegance of each stroke of her tongue, her lush curves were made for a man like him.

He splayed his hands on her buttocks, pulling her closer to him as he lustfully made her feel how she had been made to fit his desire, their bodies moving in a steady familiar motion.

But they had to stop.

Alysia abruptly pulled away from the kiss, breathing heavily and feeling a bit light headed, Her cheeks flushed and her lips red and swollen, while Anders gave a low groan in frustration..

"I don't want you," she squirmed away from him, brushing away his taste from her lips.

He looked into her eyes, breathing as hard as Alysia; he knew very well that was a lie.

"That's not true, Ally…"

"It is. You can't just…" she paused and stared up at him as she realized it would be nearly impossible to reject him. That physical display of affection, not five minutes ago, meant she still loved him. Her brain was telling her she couldn't trust him anymore, but her body was telling her brain to just 'shut up.' "We... We need to leave. We're not safe here," she said. As she leaned down to retrieve the coin purses, tears of frustration coursed down her cheeks. She glanced at him one more time before she headed out the door.

His lips slightly parted to call out for her, but she was already gone. It felt like so much was left unsaid...

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. Then he glanced around the walls, remembering the blissful moments they shared together in that room, every gasp and moan were trapped in those walls, every time she languished in that bed, begging to be taken endlessly, every time lustful sweat misted their skins...

She was everything to him. If he lost her, he would lose everything. Of that he was sure.

As he ran his eyes through the bed he noticed she left the pendant behind. He lovingly reached for him and kept him in one of his pockets.

As he headed downstairs, he heard Alysia saying to both Bodahn and Orana that the estate were theirs, and that they could stay as long as they wanted. She wouldn't return to Kirkwall any time soon, she was sure of it. But Bodahn and Sandal were planning to leave for Orlais eventually, and Orana didn't want to be left alone.

"Please, mistress. Let me come with you," Orana begged, almost on her knees.

"Orana, you can't come. It's too dangerous," Alysia said, squeezing the elf's hand.

"What if they find me? Please, mistress, I don't want to-"

"I'll stay," Bethany calmly said.

Everyone eyes immediately turned to the young mage, the look of surprise clearly visible. Alysia's jaw dropped, then she frowned. "Are you crazy?"

"Sis, I've made up my mind. I'm not leaving." she crossed her arms; her tone final.

"After this, Kirkwall will be the last place you would want to stay." Anders' voice showed genuine concern.

"Yes, thanks to you," she snarled.

"Bethany, why do you want to stay here? Anders is right, no mage will be safe in here," she gripped her sister's hand, her eyes full of worry.

"No mage would be safe anywhere right now, sis," she retorted.

She was right about that, but that didn't still explain why Bethany wanted to stay in Kirkwall_. If no place is safe, then she wouldn't rather be on the run with me?_ Alysia thought.

She took her hand and led her sister away from the rest, Alysia was everything but stupid and she knew something else was holding Bethany back. She lovingly reached for her sister's face and gently forced her to look at her.

"I know you too well not to know that something else is making you stay here. What is it, Beth?"

She turned her head to the side, but Alysia followed her gaze. Although she saw the discomfort in Beth's eyes she wanted a straight answer. She promised mother she would look after her younger sister and she intended to keep that promise.

"Bethany..."

"I...Cullen and I..."

It didn't take long for Bethany to finish the sentence for Alysia to understand what was keeping her sister in Kirkwall. It was Cullen. She was in love with him.

_Shit_, she thought. _A mage and a templar_.

"Beth, why didn't you tell me this before?"

"I couldn't, sis. What if they intercepted my letters to you and found out about me and Cullen? Maker knows what they would do to us... I had to keep it secret, even from you... I'm sorry."

Although it hurt to know only _now_ that Cullen and Bethany were romantically involved, her sister was right. Anders told her the first night they spent together that love was something that gave the templars too much power, if they found out that Cullen loved mage he would be unmercifully punished... and so would her sister. The idea of her sister being made tranquil stirred pure rage inside her and Maker knows what she would be capable of doing to everyone responsible for that.

"You're right," Alysia firmly said. "But it's crazy to stay here! Cullen won't be able to protect you. Who do you think is going to be in charge after all this? Sis, I don't think this is a good idea..." She shook her head in dismay and then glanced at Anders. Although was trying to pretend not to listen their conversation the look of shock in his face told her otherwise, her blue eyes seeking solace in his.

"Ally." She reached for her older sister's hands, bringing her attention back to her. "I'm a grown woman. I know how to take care of myself," she assured Alysia.

"I promised mother, before she died, I would look out for you... If something happens to you..." Alysia struggled to hold back tears.

"Sis, don't worry," her lips curled into a soft smile, "Aveline says she's going to say here with Donnic, too. And Cullen is a good man, just because is a templar that doesn't mean he -"

"That's not why I said, Bethany. I only fear for your safety in this... helpless city."

"What about you? You're on the run with an apostate. Shouldn't I worry for you too? You have no reason to stay with him and yet you'll stand by his side no matter what."

"Beth..." Alysia sighed in frustration as she realized it was pointless to convince her sister to come with her. Plus, she was right; she would stay beside Anders because she loved him and nothing could convince her otherwise. Just like Bethany would stay with Cullen.

"Just...promise me you won't get involved in-"

"No promises, big sister." She tenderly smiled and kissed her cheek and then headed to where the rest were standing.

Anders noticed Alysia was wiping off some tears. He walked towards her and lovingly squeezed her hand, bringing her attention back to him.

"We should leave, love. Don't worry; Bethany is going to be all right. Aveline will take care of her." he gave her a genuine smile and kissed her forehead. She was hesitant for a moment but then nodded, gripping his hand in return.

"Well, if she's staying then... I guess I can stay, too," Orana concluded, her voice all most a whisper.

"Enchantment!" Sandal began to clap his hands.

Alysia nodded, but they wouldn't leave before she said goodbye to her mabari. He was restlessly waiting for her, wagging his tail, his mouth watering.

She bent down and lovingly scrubbed his ears. "I'm going to miss you, boy." She kissed the top of his head; he whimpered and his ears automatically lowered with sadness.

"Don't worry, Sis. I'll take care of him," Bethany assured her, placing a hand on Alysia's shoulder.

"I know," she said as she turned to regard her sister. She scrubbed his ears one more time and then stood up.

She walked over to Bodahn and thanked him for everything, and then she did the same to Orana.

"Enchantment?" Sandal asked.

Alysia laughed and hugged him. "Enchantment!"

"Then, I guess... we should go," Anders said, his voice raspy.

"Isabela is waiting for you on the docks," Bethany instructed. "Varric and Merrill said they would go with you, too. Fenris, however, won't, but he's waiting at the docks to say farewell. I think Aveline will be there, too"

Alysia nodded and Anders scoffed as he heard the elf's name.

She pulled her sister closer to her, tears threatening to course down her face again. "I hope to see you again, Beth," she muttered.

"Don't worry Sis, you will."

Alysia kissed her on the cheek and then headed to the door. Anders glanced at Bethany and silently wished her good luck.

Everyone stared as they became cloaked in the shadows of the estate's corridor.

They shuddered when they heard the door being shut behind them.

...

" 'Bout time you showed up!" Isabela shouted from the ship as she saw Anders and Alysia approach the docks.

Their way to the docks had been calmer than expected. Alysia half expected to encounter templars and abominations, but the streets were strangely empty; the smell of death saturated the air, felling their lungs. There were already piles of corpses here and there; some were from mages and others from templars. The docks empty as well, except for a few bodies lifelessly lying on the ground.

Fenris and Aveline were waiting for them next to the ships boarding ramp. The elf had his arms crossed and the Guard Captain stood at attention like the solider she was, her hands gripped at the hilt of her long sword.

Alysia gestured to Anders to head onto the ship as she was going to say goodbye to Fenris. He nodded and as he walked past him, Anders gave him a cold glare; Fenris muttered something in Tevinter and then turned his attention back to his friend.

"He will be you're death," he snapped bitterly.

"Fenris, don't."

He scoffed, "I should know that arguing with you in that matter is pointless."

"It is," she said plainly, "I love him, Fenris. I'm sorry that you can't see that."

"I'm more sorry that you can't see the abomi-" he sighed as the word _abomination_ was about to escape his mouth and rubbed his temples. It really was meaningless to argue with her about it. He warned her, since the beginning, that Anders would be trouble but she always ignored him. And now that she had every reason to turn her back on him, she still wouldn't do it.

"Just... be careful," he finally said in a quiet voice, "The Chantry won't rest until they've found you and made you pay for _his_ crimes."

"Don't worry, Fenris. I'll be all right. The Chantry will realize that they have bigger problems once the word of what happened here reaches the rest of the world. Trust me."

He nodded. "Thank you, Alysia, for everything. If it wasn't for you I'd probably..." he couldn't finish; his marks began to glow.

"Scars will always mark us, no matter how hard we tried to make them disappear. The only thing we can do is to to be careful not cling too much to them."

"Yeah...I guess," he agreed, although slightly absent-mindedly, as old memories of his time as slave flowed through his mind.

"I can't believe how screwed up things are..." Aveline said, taking a long and deep sigh. Her hand gripped the hilt of her sword, it was almost an involuntarily movement that revealed the solider she was and would always be.

"I know..." Alysia's eyes traveled to where Anders was standing. "I can't believe it, either."

"Tell me you going to make Anders pay." Aveline stared, her voice like steel.

"I think being alive to see the mess he made is punishment enough..."

"I'm starting to agree with Fenris, it's pointless to argue with you about him," she snapped.

"I understand and I appreciate your concern but... I love him, Aveline. I can't just abandon him... And even if I _could_ I wouldn't want to."

"We have to leave, Hawke!" Isabela shouted.

Aveline rolled her eyes and groaned hearing the wench pirate interrupting their moment., "Go, I don't want to delay you anymore."

She nodded and headed to the ship, she looked at them all over her shoulder one last time, then she said, "Good luck."

"You too, Hawke. You're going to need it..." Aveline muttered, the last words in a sad tone.

...

The ship was rocking in harmony with the sea. The way the waves were gracefully swaying the ship almost made things look peaceful, but they weren't.

"So, Sweet Thing... I suppose you have a plan, right?" Isabela asked sarcastically.

They were all gathered at a large wooden table on the main deck. A large map of Thedas was spread over it, Alysia's wide blue eyes carefully looking over every nation. Although Tevinter seemed like the most obvious place to go, it was completely out of question. She refused to go seek refuge at that damned place, crawling with blood mages.

However, apart from Tevinter, there really was no safe place to go. The Free Marches wasn't an option. Especially since Sebastian made it very clear he would hunt down Alysia and Anders.

Finally, after minutes of deliberation her index finger pointed to a nation in southeastern Thedas. It didn't look much safer, but she had to take a chance.

Anders raised a questioning eyebrow "Ally, are you sure?"

"No.".

Varric was intrigued. "Then why are we headed there?"

"Because there's someone there who can probably helps us," Alysia explained, briefly looking at Anders and ignoring the rest of her companions.

Merrill spoke up, "If that's where Hawke thinks we should go, headed then I'm with her."

"You know I'll go anywhere that has a tavern. And there are plenty of taverns there." Isabela winked at her.

Varric sat back in his chair. "Well, then I guess we all agree."

They all gave Alysia a brief nod; unable to hide the fear of what they should expect once they arrived. They were sure that whatever happened would be remembered for years ahead. The war was inevitable, even if she didn't wanted to pick a side, something would eventually trigger all this. Even if Alysia never arrived in Kirkwall... Even if she and Anders had never met... Even if the idol hadn't made Meredith a lunatic ...

She sighed and ran her hand over the map, her eyes fixed on Ferelden.

Anders was right about one thing. _There can be no half measures. There can be no turning back_.

There was no turning back now.


	2. Chapter 2

_**CHAPTER GUIDE: Alysia and Anders try to make their relationship work again; Anders begs to regain her trust and promises he will make up for the pain he caused her. Hawke reveals to her companions her plans for the future.**_

**_Thanks to everyone who put this fic in their favorites and alerts. I hope you enjoy reading it as much I enjoy writing it! :D_**

**_A huge thanks to Kira Tamarion who has edited this chapter and made it readable!_**

**_Review, yes? _**

**_Bioware owns everything!_**

Chapter 2

The days aboard Isabela's ships seemed longer and more boring than they imagined it would be. They had absolutely nothing to do, which made the whole trip quite dull. The tension between Alysia and Anders didn't do much to help, either.

Alysia spent most of her time in her cabin, periodically refusing to eat, completely absorbed in her plans. She struggled with the uneasy task of fixing the situation. She didn't want to be hunted by the Chantry for rest of her days, being called a fugitive; especially for a crime it wasn't her fault. While that sounded bit selfish to her mind, since she still loved Anders and somehow understood why he did what he did, she couldn't help to feel like her world just been turned upside down.

The Chantry had messed up her life before, as her sister and father were also mages. It sounded like she was traveling back in time, running away from town to town, hoping beyond hope to live a normal life. That same normal life Anders promised her he wouldn't be able to give her, but that she insisted that she didn't want it. She discovered, a long ago, that people like her are not meant to have a "normal" life.

She had already lost count of the days that passed since the events in Kirkwall. Maybe it has been a week; it really didn't matter. All she wanted was to port in Ferelden and began to work on her plan, she just prayed to the Maker that it would work...

The rest of her companions, including Anders, were completely unaware of her plans. Isabela limited herself to sail to their destiny without asking any questions; Merrill always trusted Alysia and she would continue to do so. Varric was curious, but remained quiet; he figured she would tell them whenever she was ready.

Anders, on the other hand, was the most worried. He was sure he would be hunted in every nation of Thedas. Especially Ferelden, because he had been there helping the Warden Commander - Solona Amell - fighting the Architect and the Mother; everyone knew him and there was no way he could go unnoticed. Besides, he was also worried about Solona's reaction once she discovered that he practically ruined her cousin's life.

Anders and Alysia managed talk with each other from time to time, but the tension between them was still visibly clear, they didn't even sleep in the same cabin. The only time they actually had a 'conversation' was when she told him when we they arrived in Ferelden they had to buy new clothes, and that he couldn't carry his staff. They couldn't afford to raise any kind of suspicion; she explained to him.

They had not talked about what happened back at her estate the night they fled; Anders was sure that passionate embrace meant she still loved him, but fear and uncertainty was still coiling in his stomach. That moment he held her in his arms again, when he thought he would never - ever - touch her again, was still clear in his mind.

His doubts forced him to go to her and get a straight answer, only to leave with more doubts than before.

_Did she do it on purpose? Is this her way of punishing me?_

_Maker, if it is, then she's succeeding in driving me crazy._

Determined not to succumb to his fears and end his torment, once and for all, he made his way to her cabin. It was afternoon and she hadn't come out of her room to eat when Varric called out for her. Anders hadn't seen her all day, and the urgency for her was starting to consume him.

He stood at the door of her cabin, having one final debate with himself over what he was going to say. He realized Justice was strangely quiet; in fact he had been very quiet since the fight at the Gallows.

_Good_, he thought. The last he needed was that spirit interfering with his plans. He had already done plenty of damage to his life.

He gathered every bit of courage and strength he could, and knocked on the door. There was no answer. His knees went weak; he knew she was in the room, she just didn't wanted see him. He knocked again; his heart pounding against his ribcage. Again, a painful silence filled the air, but he wasn't going to leave without an answer.

"Alysia, we need to talk," his voice low and hoarse.

Silence.

"I need to talk with you," he insisted.

Inside, Alysia remained quiet, also struggling with her need for him. She spent the last several days trying to avoid the torturous craving she felt for him, but the more she tried to forget him the harder it become to do so.

"We can't go on like this. Please, love... I don't know if I have strength enough to spend another day without -"

To his surprise, she opened the door. She was looking beautiful - no - beautiful wasn't the right adjective; she looked... breathtaking...like the ethereal figure that constantly haunted his dreams. Her lovely raven hair balanced over her exposed shoulders. She was wearing a white chemise and a pair of leather pants. Her supple cheeks flushed and her lips full, red, rounded; her eyes locked with his.

It took a moment before he could regain his composire; time passed as he admired every curve of her body and breathed in her floral scent. He loved that she was so damned tantalizing but in times like these it was pure torture. He wondered if she wanted to feel his embrace the way he wanted to embrace her, if she ached for him like he did every night he spent alone, in his tiny room, staring at the ceiling.

Alysia would always stir with in him a hunger that could not be sated, no matter what. But the more he wallowed in his thoughts, the harder it became for him to think straight. _I'll just have to speak my mind_.

"Can I come in?" His eyes still held hers, his voice as hypnotizing as she remembered.

"Of course." she curtly replied, as she stepped back to let him in. She shivered as he walked past her, inhaling his scent.

"I need a straight answer, Ally," he snapped as she closed the door.

She didn't turn to face him; her shoulders visibly slumped. How much Anders wanted to see into he mind and end this anguish, for their sake.

She began to turn around. "Then ask me a straight question, Anders." Then she looked him in the eye. "Why keep going on in circles with this? What do you want to know? Do I love you? I do love you, you bastard." she paused for a moment; Anders couldn't tell if she trying to find the right words or cursing herself for saying that. Then, she narrowed her eyes. "You hurt me. You lied to me. Why? Why lie about something that I would have, eventually, found out? Did you think I was going to stop you? That I was going to turn you over to the templars?"

The fact that his ideals were consumed by Justice's need for revenge, to the point where he was completely blind and at the mercy of Justice's will, was the only explanation he could think of, but it wasn't enough to fix Alysia's pain…

At his silence, she shook her head. Although she saw a ray of of hope; she was already expecting his silence.

"Am I supposed to just forgive you and pray to the Maker that I'm not surprised with another knife on the back? Is this what we've become?" That came out more eloquently than she expected; her blue eyes locked on his, patiently waiting for his response, hoping that he wouldn't retreat into silence again.

He walked over to her and gently took her hand in his, his long fingers drifting over her palms. To his surprise, she didn't protest, she didn't move a single muscle to free herself from his touch. She just stood there, piercing through his eyes to his soul, like a desire demon searching for her prey, for its weak points, while the electricity of his fingers danced across her body.

His voice was raspy. "No, that's not what I want for us..."

"When you confessed to me at the clinic that there wasn't a potion to separate you from Justice, you told me there were more important things than love. Is that what you still think, Anders? Because if it is, then... there can be no _us._" Her eyes narrowed and struggled to hold back the tears. The idea of losing him was almost unbearable; it made her stomach twist into knots, but if that _really_ were true than... she would just have to learn to live without him... as impossible as it may sound to her.

Anders froze to the bones hearing that. He stared at her for a moment that seemed to stretch to eternity; his whole body tensed. Never to hold her in his arms again caused him physical pain, but abandoning his cause was something he didn't want to do, either.

Her lips were quivering, fear howled through her mind. She secretly wished he would just give up his cause and hold her in his arms forever.

If another minute went by without a word from him than she was sure she would simply die.

Anders blinked his eyes. "Love, you've never been in the circle. You don't understand. Mages have lived at the whims of the templars for too long. I would not have it so. I would not see another child ripped from their mother because they were born with the gift of magic. I would not see another mage being made tranquil. I would not to see another mage being punished just because he's in love..."

She shook her head and cast him a disappointed, biter look as she realized his silence meant he wouldn't give up his cause for her. She roughly pulled back her hand from his. "So you would just sacrifice_ us_? Is there nothing beyond your cause? Is there nothing else you'd fight for? You're just going to give up everything else to fight for them? For a cause that may be already lost…?"

He stilled, his body felt paralyzed. He would fight for her, damn right he would. He would kill everyone that dared to stand between them but... she shook her head and walked over to the door. Anders' stomach roiled and his heart almost stopped as he felt the woman he loved slipping away from his fingers, from his touch... from his life.

"Wait!" He grabbed her by the arm and spun her around. His face mere inches from her, her big blue eyes holding his with softness, hoping beyond hope that he would do the right thing.

He whispered against her lips, "I would fight for you... for us."

Sam paused for a moment; her eyes drowning in his.

He sighed, raw emotion colored his voice. "I don't want to sacrifice our love over my cause. There is no life without you; I'd rather die than have to live a life where you're not in it. What we have... _this..._I could never put anything above it. The mere thought of never seeing you again, of never breathing your scent, of never tasting your lips or to holding you in my arms... I know I've caused you a lot of pain. I know that I should have never lied to you, that I'll never be able to heal the harm that has been done... but I don't want to live without you."

He regarded her carefully; her eyes clearly showed that his words surprised her. Her heart pounded so loudly in her chest he could hear it.

"I would fight to regain your trust, even if I spent the rest of life doing it so."

His gaze dropped to the floor, inwardly praying to the Maker - for the first time in many years - that she would accept him in her life again.

She gazed him for a moment, tears coursing down her flushed cheeks. It would take a lot more to make her stop loving him, she thought. She didn't know could she not regret meeting him, falling in love with him... She assumed she couldn't live without him, too. If she could, she would have killed him in the precise moment Sebastian shouted at her, demanding his death. Even now that he' threatened to haunt them down, she couldn't bring herself to kill him. She could lie to the world; tell people that she was tricked by Anders with some kind of spell... she could claim that none of that was her fault, and that she never loved him, but worst than fooling others was to fooling herself.

She gave a long, deep sigh, like she had come to a decision. "It would be selfish of me to want to see quiet your cause and bare another mage to feel what I feel for you..."

He hesitantly looked up to her, a faint smile spread across her beloved face. Her big blue eyes filled with love. "I still love you, Anders. It would kill me to lose you. I understand your cause, I think... I just... need some time... until I can fully trust you again." her voice soft. Her palms cupped his cheek, the feel, something he had already forgotten.

"Thank you, love. I will do whatever you need, whatever you want. I will make it possible for you to believe in me again, I promise." His voice was trembling with utter happiness as he covered her hand with his.

She gave a brief nod and put that adorable smile on her face again.

A knock on the door, followed by Varric's voice, interrupted their moment.

"Dinner's ready, Hawke. Are you coming?"

"We should...probably go," Anders said as he headed to the door.

Varric's eyes widened when he saw Anders opening the door instead of Alysia. "Oh, Blondie, I didn't realize you were..." he raised an eyebrow when he saw her appear from behind Anders."...busy with Hawke," sarcasm clear in his tone.

"Dinner's ready, you say?" Alysia asked.

Varric sounded awkward."Huh...yes, Merrill cooked."

"Well, let's eat then." Alysia left her cabin and went to where they usually ate, and played cards.

Varric stared at her as she walked past, and then gave Anders a wicked look.

"So, Blondie... you managed to-" he was about to give his typical smirk when Anders interrupted him.

"Don't." He left to follow Alysia, leaving the dwarf staring at them with a smile on his face.

Although he acknowledged that Anders did hurt Alysia, he couldn't help but feel content that they managed to have a proper conversation, instead of the cold looks she had been casting him. Varric remembered when he asked her about whether was sure getting involved with Anders was a good idea. In the end he realized that they were simply made for each other.

...

After they finished dinner, Isabela asked about what everyone was so eager to know.

"All right, Hawke. That's it. I'm tired of waiting around. What the fuck are we doing heading to Ferelden and who could possible help us there?" Placing a hand on her waist as if she was determined to yank that out of Alysia's throat, if necessary.

It was a logical question, as she left them all wondering what were her plans. Although they trusted in her instincts, there could be no room for doubts right now. The times ahead of them were trouble ones, more than they imagined.

She grinned. "Well... It's someone you are quite fond of, actually."

"Mmmm... is that so? Now, I'm dying to know who that is. I really need to get laid, you know the last time was when Zevran –"

Varric gave Isabella a sly grin. "Okay, Rivaini. I think we could have done without that."

"What?" she shrugged. "I was just expressing how deeply I-"

"We got it, Isabela," Alysia snapped, holding up her hands.

"Pff... Fine," she scoffed, taking a seat next to Merrill, who had a look of shocked on her face by the dirty talk.

Varric persisted. "So, Hawke, are you going to answer that question or not?"

Alysia blinked a few times; her mind debating over what was the best way to reveal her plans. She gripped Ander's hand from underneath the table, looking for the comfort of his warm touch.

They traded a brief glance and then she spoke. Her tone was very matter-of-fact. "We're going to see Alistair, I mean King Alistair."

Almost in unison, her companions dropped their jaws, except for Anders who held her hand tightly and remained still.

Varric was stunned. "We're going to do _what_?"

"Well, I am _quite_ fond of him." Isabela purred, her eyes dreamy.

"Great Ancestors! Why would he do that?"

Merrill tried to show some support. "Well, Alistair is a good man, right?

"He is definitely _good_, trust me." The pirate continued to fantasize about him, completely absent-minded.

"Alistair and I are friends, I'm sure he won't deny us refuge," Alysia explained.

"Love, are you sure?" Anders finally spoke up. "I don't think he would appreciate having _me -"_

"Don't worry, love. You didn't commit any crime in _his_ kingdom. I've known him for several years and I'm sure he wouldn't just slam the door in our faces."

Isabela stretched her legs on top of the table. "Well, I'm in.".

"I know I'm asking you to put a lot of trust in me but -"

"We wouldn't have stood by your side at the Gallows, and we certainly wouldn't have come along with you, if we didn't trust you," Merrill softly said, a genuine smile across her face.

Alysia smiled back and gratefully nodded to the elf.

"I trust in you too, Hawke," Varric acknowledged.

"What about you, Anders?" she turned her head to gaze at the mage. He was visibly pale and was tightly gripping her hand.. "I...You know I'll follow you anywhere." He could fool the rest of his companions, but he certainly couldn't fool Alysia. Her piercing gaze went right through his honey-colored eyes; it written all over his face that he wasn't sure about her plan. She understood his fear; Alistair used to be templar and was raised by the Chantry. Regardless of what would happen, she wouldn't let him or anyone else hurt Anders, of that she was sure.

She gave him a brief nod and then turned to Isabela.

"Isabela, how long 'till we get there?"

"Less than a week, if I'm not mistaken."

"Good, then. Let's just hope we're not getting into more trouble."

...

Cullen was seated at his office, trying to do some paperwork. He had dark circles under his eyes and was visibly tired. He lost track of how many times he wished he and Bethany could run just away from this damned city. How he envied Alysia and Anders in that matter...

Peace would never return to that Kirkwall, chaos was everywhere. Whether it was deaing with the remaining mages that turned into abominations, or the renegade templars, disarray was always present to haunt him. Not to mention the lyrium statue of Meredith propped in the center of the Gallows. Maker, every time he laid his eyes on it he felt shivers coursing down his spine.

Knight Commanders was his title now. The few still faithful templars and to the Chantry, hurried to proclaim that he should occupy Meredith's place once the Champion and her companions left Kirkwall.

But the city still lacked a Viscount. He offered that position to Aveline but she refused it, claiming she didn't had to time for politics and was seriously considering leaving Kirkwall for good, too.

But what unsettled him the most was that it wasn't fair for Bethany to be tied up with him in this helpless city. If they wanted to live together, and raise a family they would simply have to leave this forsaken place.

It has been exactly eight days since the battle at the Gallows and just a few days after he received word from other cities that the mages that managed to escape Kirkwall, hurried to spread the news to other Circles of what happened in Kirkwall.

Maintaining order was proving to be more difficult than he thought, and not just in Kirkwall. Soon, the rebellion would spread all across Thedas, of that he had no doubt.


End file.
